Wishes are powerful things, they shape your dreamscape, make you believe and never fail to emphasize the silver lining even in the darkest cloud. But in order to make these a reality, you have to first internalize them as promises. If these 17 years have taught me anything at all, I have come to realize that the worst thing you can ever do for or, to yourself, is to shatter these fragile things due to your own incompetency, lacking willpower or whatever else it is that distracts you from the end goal in sight. Nothing can ever compare to the moment you attain that personal state of bliss. I believe it will be like the feeling you get after you’ve done a good deed, had a good laugh or kissed someone you love. It will likely be ten times better.
So instead of wishing when I blew out the candles, I made myself promises instead. These promises made my heart murmur with a new purpose, my head giddy with delight and my senses hum in anticipation. The realization that there is no fate but what we make is altogether a beautiful and terrifying notion. What will we do with the stretch of years we have left that we call Life? What will we achieve? Old enough to be responsible for the choices we make, we are now artists, adding our own strokes of paint to what is to become a grand masterpiece. Nobody can tell us exactly how they want it drawn. Brush to canvas, this seems simple enough for some but not for a great many others. We are afraid that we will screw up, some do not know where to start and then there are those who feel that they have done themselves in so badly that nothing could salvage the situation
I have felt like this alot in the all too recent past. I am not used to all these doubts and flaws my new, weird and wondrous experiences have brought me. Whatever happened to that girl who knew only sunshine and was self-assured? Who is that monster in the mirror, in my head? Sometimes I feel too bipolar to be me. Having no sense of direction is no fun but having no sense of self is even more dangerous. You spin out of control, withdrawn and lost in your own shell. You fall helpless, in a haze and before you know it, regret, shame and a flagging self-esteem is all you will have for company.
I have come close to feeling that way, and I don’t believe that I am the only one. It is an ugly feeling and I will always remember it. I do not want my 17th year and onwards to be like this. I want to stop tasting its fetid breath on my tongue and feel it squirm and claw at my insides. I want to discover who I am today and how I will be different tomorrow. Above all, I want to be free, to see the colours and be unbridled in my painting. I may not fufill these promises in a year or even in a decade, but I would have been brave and because of that, I will go unafraid and proud.